jeremy paul gordon

I work for Pitchfork and also write for the Wall Street Journal, GQ, Pacific Standard and others. E-mail me at jeremypaulgordon[at]gmail[dot]com or check out my vaguely professional personal website. I'm also on Twitter.

March 22, 2011 at 5:49pm
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eHow or Thought Catalog?

  1. Of course, you’re already a cool dad, but there is no harm in being even cooler.
  2. Limit your drug-use.
  3. Tell co-workers that it’s okay, they can ask, you understand they’ve never met a Jew before.
  4. Becoming a Fashion Model is not very easy, especially if you aren’t at least 5’9” and thin.
  5. If you want to dress up as pure, crazy evil, a Bellatrix Lestrange costume is perfect for you.
  6. Refrain from sexual contact in high school.
  7. Also, learn to accept that it’s only a vocal battle and there is no chance of you actually losing your life, surviving a rap battle is easier than it seems.
  8. Exchange these warm smiles that trigger a dormant feeling of excitement.
  9. Realize that you will be judged on your appearance and mannerisms. You must be well-groomed, dress fashionably, but not too trendy. Look and act like someone that people can trust and knows what they’re doing.
  10. Delude yourself into thinking you can beat rejection.

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ANSWER KEY

  1. eHow, “How to Be a Cool Dad”
  2. Thought Catalog, “How to Be a Writer”
  3. Thought Catalog, “How to Be Jewish”
  4. eHow, “How to Be a Fashion Model”
  5. eHow, “How to Make a Bellatrix Lestrange Costume”
  6. Thought Catalog, “How to Not Lose Your Virginity In 7 Steps”
  7. eHow, “How to Survive a Rap Battle”
  8. Thought Catalog, “How to Have a Crush On Someone”
  9. eHow, “How to Be a Professional Newscaster”
  10. Thought Catalog, “How to be Rejected”

Notes

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